JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed
for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work various hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24
hour shifts on call. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite
tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical
stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to
60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating
technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared
for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering
frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due
when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you
die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and
wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
A Mom's Job Description
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